How to Take Over Lebanon: A Step-by-Step Guide
By Hassan Nasrallah
Step 1: When all Lebanese militias agree to disband in order to end a civil war and reach national peace and reconciliation, make sure your militia does NOT disband. In fact, make sure your militia starts arming itself ever more heavily with the most advanced weaponry that your friendly co-religionists can supply. That way you'll be able to intimidate the national army in no time. Now, the other Lebanese might not like all this very much, and they might start asking questions about why you need so many weapons - so that brings us to the next step.
Step 2: Create phony excuses for using your military power "defensively." Provoking Israel into attacking you will work wonders here. Try invading Israeli territory and killing and kidnapping their soldiers. You won't even have to kidnap too many -- the Jews are very touchy. This will create a great pretext for you to flex your military muscles and intimidate the rest of Lebanon.
Step 3: Now that everyone sees how many weapons you really have and how strong you are, demand control over all government decisions. This is a tricky step because the other Lebanese are still going to be hesitant to give you so much power. But don't give up, no matter how many months it takes. And if they still won't budge, then send your troops into the streets to fight and take over territory. Sounds risky, and sure, it will be a little bloody, but you don't really have to worry too much -- no one else has a militia anymore (see Step 1). After that, you'll be able to oust the government and get a veto over national decisions for sure.
What steps come next? Well, there are a couple of different ways you can go, but here's what I prefer.
Step 4: Consolidate your control over the government until it is absolute. Use that control to dissipate the power of the national army, so that it poses virtually no challenge to your authority. Of course, you will want to make sure you continue increasing your own military strength all the while, since that is the source of your power.
Step 5: Turn all of Lebanon into a revolutionary Islamic republic. At the end of the day, this is the goal that really keeps us going, right? Some people won't like this move (Christians, liberals, whatever). It's OK -- they will either get used to it or move to France.
Step 1: When all Lebanese militias agree to disband in order to end a civil war and reach national peace and reconciliation, make sure your militia does NOT disband. In fact, make sure your militia starts arming itself ever more heavily with the most advanced weaponry that your friendly co-religionists can supply. That way you'll be able to intimidate the national army in no time. Now, the other Lebanese might not like all this very much, and they might start asking questions about why you need so many weapons - so that brings us to the next step.
Step 2: Create phony excuses for using your military power "defensively." Provoking Israel into attacking you will work wonders here. Try invading Israeli territory and killing and kidnapping their soldiers. You won't even have to kidnap too many -- the Jews are very touchy. This will create a great pretext for you to flex your military muscles and intimidate the rest of Lebanon.
Step 3: Now that everyone sees how many weapons you really have and how strong you are, demand control over all government decisions. This is a tricky step because the other Lebanese are still going to be hesitant to give you so much power. But don't give up, no matter how many months it takes. And if they still won't budge, then send your troops into the streets to fight and take over territory. Sounds risky, and sure, it will be a little bloody, but you don't really have to worry too much -- no one else has a militia anymore (see Step 1). After that, you'll be able to oust the government and get a veto over national decisions for sure.
What steps come next? Well, there are a couple of different ways you can go, but here's what I prefer.
Step 4: Consolidate your control over the government until it is absolute. Use that control to dissipate the power of the national army, so that it poses virtually no challenge to your authority. Of course, you will want to make sure you continue increasing your own military strength all the while, since that is the source of your power.
Step 5: Turn all of Lebanon into a revolutionary Islamic republic. At the end of the day, this is the goal that really keeps us going, right? Some people won't like this move (Christians, liberals, whatever). It's OK -- they will either get used to it or move to France.
posted by Josh
at 4:16 PM
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